


"O happy dagger"

by nowhere_blake



Series: codas for the damned and the brokenhearted [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (or could be HARD gen I guess), Episode: s11e17 Red Meat, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Sacrificing Dean Winchester, Sibling Incest, Suicide Attempt, it's all fine turns out Sam is alive (much shock very surprise), mind the tags actually like there's a lot of suicide stuff in this, the Romeo and Juliet vibes are strong with this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25959463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhere_blake/pseuds/nowhere_blake
Summary: ‘After everything we’ve survived together,’ Michelle - victim of the week, blond, beaten up and freshly-widowed - says tearfully, ‘I watched the man I love die. There’s no normal after that.' And fuck, if that isn’t relatable.Coda to 11x17 Red Meat.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Series: codas for the damned and the brokenhearted [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883758
Comments: 7
Kudos: 49





	"O happy dagger"

**Author's Note:**

> title from Act 5 Scene 3 of _Romeo and Juliet_ because Juliet is a very dramatic teenager and before stabbing herself calls Romeo's dagger a "happy dagger" as it will reunite her with her love in heaven (very Winchester brothers vibes, I know, even [Jared thinks so](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2jVmEW1Ews))
> 
> _**JULIET** : Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger, [Taking Romeo’s dagger.] This is thy sheath; [Stabs herself.] there rust, and let me die. [Falls on Romeo’s body and dies.]_

‘After everything we’ve survived together,’ Michelle - victim of the week, blond, beaten up and freshly-widowed - says tearfully, ‘I watched the man I love die. There’s no normal after that.’

And fuck, if that isn’t relatable.

Dean is still reeling after seeing Sam’s lifeless body, after thinking this was it. It’s a mixture of helpless anger and disbelief he feels at first, because _really?_ A fucking werewolf? After everything. A werewolf. Not even getting eaten by one, but _getting shot_ by one. If he weren’t on the verge of tears, Dean would fucking laugh.

Leaving Sam on the floor is the hardest thing he’s ever done, 40 years in Hell be damned. He only ever manages it, because he knows how pissed Sam would be- _will be_ at him, if he lets these people die.

He barely shuts the door on the dead body of his little brother - promise on his lips that he’ll be back sounding more like a prayer - and he’s already filled with the all-familiar, sick burst of hope and determination.

It’s the same every time, because despite all the promises and fights and pacts they made over the years, after swearing they’d quit sacrificing themselves for each other, after Sam fucking declaring they weren’t even brothers anymore in the middle of a motel parking lot, in goddamn Werewolf-Town, Wisconsin… Dean’s first instinct is to kill himself. Romeo and Juliet the shit out of it, in fact. He downs a bunch of pills like not even 5 hours later, and sure, it’s to bargain for Sam’s life, but still. He is about to trade his life for Sam’s, and Billie doesn’t seem like the type to fuck around. This time it’s gonna be final, Dean knows.

Maybe Sam’s suicidal tendencies have rubbed off on him a little, he thinks, shoving bitter pills into his mouth. Dean wasn’t really planning on dying any time soon, not if he could help it, but for Sam? He does it without a single second of hesitation, barely even thinks it through. (Dean knows Sam thinks it’s worse when it’s not on impulse, remembers all too well Sam whispering, ‘You know what scares me?’ into his skin in the dark of a motel room, years and so many miles, a whole Apocalypse, later the fact. ‘It wasn’t some stupid impulse decision you made, Dean. You thought about it for two days and you still sold your soul for me.’) It’s instinct either way though - impulsive or not - because it’s not like he was planning on surviving long without his brother anyway.

So. He doesn’t tell Sam, because he knows Sam would throw a hissy fit and get all up in his face, making Dean promise things. Things he wouldn’t mean. Which would be a bit rich, coming from the kid anyway. Like Sam wouldn’t do the same thing. _Hadn’t_ done the same thing over and over and over again. (‘Yes, Sam, it still counts if you lied about it beforehand, said you didn’t care about me dying anymore,’ he wants to say to him, but doesn’t. He _was_ dying at the time, so who knows, but when Sam was carrying him out of that building and said _I lied_ , it made Dean's heart flutter like a goddamn teenager, and that was enough. He forgave him right then and there. For every _no, Dean, I wouldn't_ and every _I can't trust you_ and _something's broken here, Dean_. It doesn't mean it's not hurting still, not consuming his heart like a wildfire. But deep down, he already forgave it all. He just hopes Sam forgives him too, for _but I'll do it alone_ , for _you let me down in ways that I can't even_ and for _SAMMY LET ME GO._ )

So yeah. Dean doesn’t tell him, doesn’t say anything. It’s fine. They are fine. Sam is alive. Dean will always be fine just as long as Sam is alive.

Beat up, blond, cliche-crying-in-a-hospital, Michelle is right though. Watching the man you love die in front of you… It changes you. Even if you’ve seen it more times than you’d care to count. Dean drinks himself unconscious that night; he can't risk dreaming. He’s not in the mood to see Sam’s lifeless body again any time soon. He promises himself - not for the first time, probably not for the last - that he’ll go before his brother. He’s always been selfish like that, but he just doesn't have it in him.

**Author's Note:**

> wow, this has a lot of references to other episodes. if anyone's wondering or in the mood for a re-watch:
> 
> "you let me down in ways that I can't even" is from 05x01 Sympathy for the Devil - Dean is not over his little brother choosing Ruby over him, which I get, but like, dude, Sam's still confessing this shit in churches like four years later, do you really have to be this harsh?
> 
> "but I'll do it alone" is from 09x10 Road Trip - after Kevin's death and Gadreel and all that, Dean wants some alone time ???? and blames himself for everything (what else is new) and doesn't want his brother to die because of him (too late I think) because everyone around him seems to die all the time and because "that's [letting Sam die] not in me" (tears everywhere)
> 
> "I can't trust you" and "something's broken here, Dean" are from 09x12 Sharp Teeth (or as I call it "the break up episode") - Sam breaks up with Dean in a motel car park, after the whole Garth is a werewolf thing, part of the riveting we-can-work-together-but-we-can't-be-brothers-and-other-nonsensical-stuff-that-comes-out-of-Sam's-mouth saga
> 
> "no, Dean, I wouldn't" is from 09x13 The Purge - Dean is all like 'you would do the same thing if the situation were reversed', but Sam lies through his teeth, ripping my heart out in the process, what a fun episode that was
> 
> "I lied" is from 09x23 Do You Believe In Miracles? - Metatron just about finished Dean off and Dean is confused about why Sam's trying to save him, turns out Sam was faking the entire time and "ain't that a bitch"
> 
> "SAMMY LET ME GO" from 10x01 Black - a very eloquent note from demon!Dean, like it's such a dick move calling him Sammy, because it's extra painful that way, what fun
> 
> thanks for reading, loves 
> 
> buy me a [coffee](https://www.buymeacoffee.com/nowhereblake) if you feel like ☕


End file.
